I am lying in bed and listening to my children’s breath slowly calming. Their restless legs quieting. The moon is bright and my busy house is peaceful. It is here that I reflect. How well did I show up today? Did I impact lives? Was I who I say I am? Did I give all I have to give? How can I do better tomorrow? How can I serve well? Who’s story can I change?
I so badly want to change the world. I love people. I believe that everyone deserve a person and a community who loves them for who they are, where they are. A community to encourage and EMPOWER them to be more - actually, not more, just fully themselves. I feel overwhelmingly blessed that I am part of something whose core mission is this because this saved my life.
Today, I cherish reflection, but it is with great discipline that I have learned to do so. Even our shitty days, especially our shitty days, deserve some thought. Celebrate today for what it is and who you are and then decide who you will be tomorrow. So what if you have failed in every way and did not show up well for the world today. Guess what? Figure out why so you can become what tomorrow requires. How the heck are we supposed to grow if we don’t learn from failure? We are all broken sinners and if you are living and breathing, you are going to fall short.
Why are we so afraid of failure?
Y’all, I am as guilty of this as anyone. I have a fragile ego and severe insecurities about my worth as a human. I want to be perfect. I want to have my shit together. I want to be deserving and have earned this life I live. I want to know all the answers. I want to be the best. Outside appearances don’t mean a damn thing because on the inside I am a broken mess of pride and fear and unworthy. The rampant shame I have about all of this results in a paralyzing guilt that I am a crapy mom. This is for real the stories I’ve been telling myself for years.
So why am I telling you this now? Because I want others to find healing from my wounds. I want you to know it is ok to be all those things you are not, yet. I want you to know that you are not alone. I want you to have the freedom to say that you are scared, you are insecure, you feel unworthy, you are battling outside image vs inside reality, you are a broken, guilty mess like me. It is OK.
Healing starts with truth. Healing starts with bringing the dark into the light. Healing starts with I am.
I am 36 years old, I have amazing kids, a wonderful husband, a beautiful life AND I have a choice. I can continue to live in the circling vortex of hating myself, letting my ego run the show and living in darkness at home OR I can choose joy. I can choose gratitude. I can choose grace and I can choose love, of myself.
Because I am:
The world only expects from us what we have to give. So give it. All of it. The messy, the broken, the complicated, the imperfect, the truth, the real in AWE (authentically without ego). Give it from the heart. Give it with love. Fail willingly because you showed up fully. It is in THOSE moments that we build character. It is in THOSE moments that we decide who we are for this world and no one can take that away from us. You want to change the world? Then bring all of you to it.
If I didn't know what it hurt like to be broken
Then how would I know what it feels like to be whole
If I didn't know what it cost like to be rejected
Then I wouldn't know that Your love coming home
Maybe it's ok if I'm not ok
'Cause the One who holds the world is holding onto me
Maybe it's all right if I'm not all right
'Cause the One who holds the stars is holding my whole life
If I didn't know what it look like to be dirty
Then I wouldn't know what it feels like to be clean
And if all of my shame hadn't drove me to hide in the shadows
Then I wouldn't know the beauty of being free
“Maybe It’s Ok” ~ We are Messengers